Week 11: Processing

Last week, I shared an excerpt of a poem I was writing. This week, I’m sharing the whole rough draft with all of you. I think it semi-illuminates how I came to this place of needing to take a year to be intentionally single and nicely highlights why I think this endeavor is important. More than anything though, I think it paints a much clearer picture of the structure of my mind than I could ever explain in lengthy paragraphs. So, consider this a glimpse into my processing who the Church wanted me to be, who I actually am, and who I hope to be. 

I will never stop being angry at you for depriving me of 

the life I could have lived -

the childhood so many others got to have,

the carefree moments of youth,

and the knowledge of truly unconditional love.

While other children were read stories of magic and mystery, you were reading me stories of 

murder,

genocide,

adultery,

rape,

and my own demise. 

While other adolescents were planning for first dates and lengthy lives, I was preparing for

Armageddon,

marriage,

children,

and my own death.

While other humans were experiencing love without reservation, I was experiencing love with

strings-attached, 

contingencies, 

and forced self-loathing. 

I will never stop being angry that you intentionally chose to shame me, 

to teach me to fear, 

to excommunicate me, 

and to deprive me of so much in the name of a loving God. 

But more than I will never stop being angry at you, 

more than I will never stop bearing the scars you inflicted upon me, 

more than I will never stop begging for you to get out of my head,

I will never stop being the thorn in your side that you just can’t get rid of. 

I will never stop

calling out the harm you do,

encouraging people to challenge you,

calling those you damned “holy”,

and encouraging you to do better so that one day it may truly be on Earth as it is in Heaven.