Week 3: A Year
One year ago today, I officially became “single” again.
It’s weird to think back on that moment. I knew it was coming. I wanted it to be over and done with, but I was also hurting because a part of me didn’t want the relationship to really end. It was in that relationship that I felt a kind of magic I’d never felt before. The movie kind of magic where sometimes the rest of the world fades away and you only see each other. The kind of magic that you doubt the existence of until you experience it and probably go back to doubting when it’s over. That was part of what I didn’t want to end - the reassurance that those moments were real and the knowledge that I was capable of experiencing those moments.
I suppose that’s part of why I’m taking this year. A year to actually be fully - unequivocally and unapologetically - single. A year to prove to myself that my life can be magical without having those moments with another person or constantly being on the search for them. A year to sit in singleness as a whole and worthwhile existence rather than a partial existence and season of preparation for the supposed fullest existence of marriage. A year to value myself as a complete and whole being who lives life on her terms, rather than the terms of whoever’s eye she is trying to catch and keep.
It’s interesting to think back on what a year ago today was like. Some things are the same - like Florida being annoyingly humid - but other things are different. For one, today, I’m much less anxious and emotionally drained than I was last year; instead, I am tired, but joyful. I still need to shower - not the same shower, obviously, I’m just terrible about pushing my shower to the next day or from morning to night in the name of sleep and/or productivity. On a more general note, I have started regularly taking one day a week off as opposed to just one evening. I read more these days than I did then, but I eat a lot less Thai food and doughnuts. My work is both very different and very similar - new positions within the same organization are like that. Some of these are little things, and some of them are big things, but they’ve all brought change to my existence.
As I reflect on the difference a year of very non-intentional change can make, I have to wonder what a year of intentional change will bring? I’m trying not to put too many expectations out there - to just trust the process and go on the journey - but there are a few things I do hope for in this next year of my existence. And, if I’m honest, these are the things I hope for anyone who grew up in Evangelicalism and is trying to exist, especially as a single person, on the other side of it:
Accepting the wholeness of being - May we all come to see ourselves as whole beings just as we are. May we know we are beautifully and wholly made in all past, present, and future states of existence. May we see others in this same light.
Trusting of the self - May we each learn to trust our inner voice and our bodies. May we embrace the intrinsic goodness of our beings. May we create space for others to honor themselves in this way too.
Knowledge of truly unconditional love - May we all find love in whatever ways we need it. May we know that love does not look the same for all of us. May we learn to love ourselves, to love others, and to accept love from others in a way that gives real meaning to the word.