Week 8: Centering Myself
I am a busy person. In part by choice, but also by the nature of the work I do. I don’t have, or at least I don’t make, a lot of time for “fun” in my life. This tends to put limitations on my friendships, as well as potential or actualized romantic relationships. This is not to say I don’t try to make time for such things. I actually make a pretty concerted effort to show up for my friends as much as I can and, if I’m talking to someone or dating them, I tend to try and give them first dibs on my free time and social energy. In fact, I can do this to a fault.
You see, I am an introvert. I need to be alone to recharge. I’m also a very anxious person, and sometimes socializing with others and certain social settings can be very triggering. However, when I like someone or am particularly close to them, I have this tendency to prioritize their needs over mine almost constantly. It’s really hard for me to say “I just don’t have the capacity for that right now.” This is not to say that I don’t say this to people sometimes, and I have gotten better about it in recent months, but it isn’t a natural or easy thing for me to do. This carries over into the things I ask of others in relationships and friendships. If someone doesn’t naturally do something, but it is something that really matters/is important for me, it’s really difficult to make the ask and then, if they don’t come through, I tend to chalk it up to me asking too much.
The result of all of this is that myself and my needs are not generally at the center of my existence. Putting them in the center is hard for me. I tend to overextend myself before I prioritize myself. That’s part of what this year is though. It’s me hitting pause on one aspect of my life that causes me to decenter myself in the hope that I can work on more consistently centering myself so that I can regularly show up in spaces as my whole, present, well-cared-for self.
So, how am I trying to do this?
I’m trying to be better about taking a real weekend.
I’m trying to start exercising and taking vitamins consistently.
I’m trying to nurture some hobbies and interests (reading, gardening, and kombucha making to name a few).
I’m trying to be more intentional about the friendships I invest in and setting boundaries in them.
I’m trying to be reflective and contemplative about who I want to be and what I need to be that person.
I don’t know how well this will work, but I’m going to try. I also want to note that I don't think this issue is unique to me. I think that those socialized as women are often taught to decenter and minimize their needs for the sake of others. This is especially true if you are from the South or grew up in a conservative, religious environment. But I don’t think this serves the world well. I think it dilutes the beauty of humanity and the depth of connection we can have with one another. By asking people to make concessions about their needs and identities, we are doing harm not only to those individuals, but to society as a whole. This realization is in part why movements that advocate for the inclusion and uplifting of people and groups who have historically been marginalized and oppressed have come to exist. Everyone deserves to be able to bring their whole identity and needs to the table and be met with fulfillment and celebration, not obstacles and abuse. And so, it is my hope that by working to center myself - who I am and my needs - this year, I will be able to center myself and my needs in the years that follow, and that maybe, just maybe, that will make some small, positive difference in the world. It is my hope that by filling my cup, I will have the strength to fill other people’s cups and that those people will then be able to do the same for others. In short, we are better together when we are all bettering ourselves, and we can better ourselves by making room for one another.