Week 13: Community
To be honest, I’m not sure what I want to say at the moment. That’s why this post is so late. That and my chronic busyness. And some looming personal issues. It’s times like these when I wish I wasn’t single. When I wish that I knew there was someone in my corner, for better or for worse, who I could count on to be there. Maybe that’s an idealized view of a relationship, but it sounds so nice. It sounds so stable.
It’s not that I don’t have friends I can count on or who can support me in this moment. It’s not like I have no one. I just feel like I am *so much* sometimes and that, if I bother my friends with it all they may come to resent me. I worry that if I count on them too much then they’ll let me down. I worry that I will end up hurt and alone.
All of that can happen in romantic relationships too though. Romantic commitment is not any more of a guarantee of support than platonic commitment except where legality is involved. And, to be honest, all legality and romanticism do is make the fallout theoretically messier and more societally validated.
I suppose what’s interesting about singleness is that your support network is often seen as “unconventional”. The people you call on are not those who are legally or romantically bound to you, but rather the ones you’ve chosen to trust and share in life with. Interestingly enough, this reminds me of the early church as seen in Acts 4:32-35 :
The community of believers was one in heart and mind. None of them would say, “This is mine!” about any of their possessions, but held everything in common. The apostles continued to bear powerful witness to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and an abundance of grace was at work among them all. There were no needy persons among them. Those who owned properties or houses would sell them, bring the proceeds from the sales, and place them in the care and under the authority of the apostles. Then it was distributed to anyone who was in need.
This community supported one another. They were there for one another, not because of romantic or legal involvement, but because they had chosen to do life together and trust in one another (and in the teachings of Jesus). While this passage specifically references physical and fiscal goods, I would wager that they were also supporting one another emotionally and spiritually.
Perhaps this community should serve as a model for the way we choose to be in community with one another. Maybe we should move in a direction of continual support for one another that is not delineated by household, but by trust in one another and in our shared values (whatever those might be). And perhaps the Church (and society as a whole) should look to single people who have already formed their own support networks to lead in this work.
I know this doesn’t solve all the problems I outlined in my first two paragraphs. My relational trauma is not magically fixed because I read a few verses in Acts about how beautiful community can be. However, it does make me want to keep working through that trauma. It makes me want to lean into community as a form of exposure therapy. It makes me want to be a part of building an intentional community where others and myself can be safe and feel supported. It makes me believe that this year, and probably quite some time beyond it, of intentional singleness is worth it - not because they are a layover on the way to something better, but because they are part of my becoming the person I need to be for myself.